... whoever fears [God] and acts uprightly is acceptable.
Continuing Mumford, The City in History. Getting back to The Constitutions of the Capuchins Friar Minor in preparation for this week's class presentation.
Was in a rough mood yesterday. Sometimes the blues will dog you all the day long with no cause. I felt like some fateful finger was pressing down heavily on the cosmic Pause button. It was a feeling that was hard to shake. A vicious cycle ensued: believing that I was being less than all I could be actually made me be less than all I could be.
John the Baptist was glad to be the best man to Jesus Christ, standing beside the bridegroom joyfully and hearing his vows. At this stage of novitiate, at this point in initial formation, I feel like I am John the Baptist, attending to the bridegroom who is taking the vows. Most days I am glad to be where I am and who I am at this juncture. But yesterday I could not be, at least not so joyfully. It was not enough to be John the Baptist. I wanted -- I want -- to be the bridegroom now, and take the vows now. After all, doesn't the bridegroom say that the least in the kin(g)dom of heaven is greater than John the Baptist? I should want at least to be the least in the reign of heaven. Maybe my botheration, my restlessness, was merely the flipside, the melancholic sign of what is in itself a healthy desire. An hour on the treadmill last night helped me work off the frustration, running in place to shake the malign whispers telling me I'm merely "running in place."
Thank you God, for your grace that picks me up when I fall into frustration. Help me spend the remaining six months of novitiate in a spirit of joyful standing by the bridegroom, with faith-filled hearing, hopeful that my time to speak the vows will come.
Today, Mass at St. John Neumann Parish in Santa Maria. This afternoon, perhaps a walk and another phone call to my brother. Then, holy hour, the evening meal, prayerful silence, and communal recreation. And another week at San Lorenzo begins.
Sunny and not so cold as it was yesterday.