A Sorrowful Letter

A sorrowful letter from The Pilgrim, published by the Monday lunch program of the Cathedral Church of St. Paul in Boston.

My Father

by Phil Wright

For me my life was over before I was born. I can't blame my mother -- she had no way of knowing she was marrying a monster who would destroy her only son's life. My father was the worst kind of monster. If you knew him socially you would never think him capable of doing the things he did. Only a very few people  knew what he was. Looking back, I believe the people who knew he was a monster were monsters themselves or had monsters in their lives.

My father sexually abused me for the first fourteen years of my life. Even though it did destroy my life I can never thank God enough that I did not become my father. My life sucks enough as it is. There is no middle ground for monsters. If you are one, you can never stop. If, like me, you are not, you spend a lot of time coming up with ways to kill them.

I thank God for all his blessings. He has been very good to me. I was homeless for about four years and I now have my own place. But for the most part I hate the way I live my life. The loneliness is killing me. I can't let people into my life. My father took away my ability to trust anyone. It's really hard to live your life forever paying dues for something you never did wrong.