Queja

Dear God, 

This is your servant, Brother Anthony, speaking. I know you can hear me; you hear everything. Last night’s sleep was worse than the night before. I was wide awake at the wrong hours. I could not get back to sleep. When I finally did fall asleep, I totally missed morning prayer and the first hour of school. 

I know there are many more important problems out there than my insomnia. However, I want to be a part of your work of salvation in the midst of those problems. I simply want to be who you want me to be. Your servant is useless if he is sleepless at night and restless, exhausted during the day. 

And so today I blame you, I accuse you. You’re not holding up your end of the bargain. I changed a few of my personal habits. I went to the doctor. What is the matter here? Are you away on business? Are you sleeping at the wheel? The Book of Job is a myth, a fairy-story, isn’t it? You don’t really allow malign spirits to take over and keep your servants awake at night, do you? 

Whatever the case, you let me down. I am the other prodigal son, the elder son, and I am addressing you. Okay, so the younger son has been brought back to life. Praise be to you. Now bring me back to life. Raise me. Raise me up and keep me up! Why do you let me fall back down into sleeplessness, restlessness, and fatigue? Listen up! Haven’t I confessed already, too? All of this is your doing. Now, fix this and make it better! 

With or without your help, I’m going to keep looking for a solution. I’ll ask the friars. I’ll ask the Maryknoll community. 

In the meantime, I have a deeper question for you, God. What do you really want from me? What do you want at all? You seem to be sending mixed signals. You bring me to this beautiful place, and you give me so many things to experience and enjoy. At the same time, I learn very little, very slowly, and the finest fruits you offer seem always to be out of reach. And then you bring days and nights like yesterday. Why tease your servant like this? They say it’s culture shock, but after ten weeks that seems like a stretch, an awfully delayed reaction. So what is really going on? Again: what do you really want? 

Do not leave me grasping for things beyond my reach. Do not leave me striving for impossibilities. Bring your light, the light of your crucified and risen Son, to bear on this course you have made. It is beautiful but broken and it is repetitive. Stop leading me around in a circle. You brought me this far on the journey. Do not take your eyes off me now. Calm the whirlpool of repetition. End this restlessness and bring resolution and forward motion. Where do you want me to stay? Where do you want me to go? Show me the way. Order my waking and resting the right way. Above all, don’t let the love you have put in my heart grow cold from fatigue. Amen.