¿Ahora Qué?

According to Google, this blog had almost 200 pageviews yesterday. That is probably the most views the blog has ever had in a single day. Forgive me, readers, for complaining about getting attention—certainly, each pageview is a valentine—but why is it that you come around in such numbers only when there is bad news? I hope you don’t forget the many good things that have happened to me on this Bolivian journey. If you have come for the insomnia, then I hope you stay for the rebound when it comes. 

Not that I know when the rebound and recovery will come. Another three-hour hole torn in the middle of the night, Thursday night. Half-awake or wide awake from 3 a.m. (on the hour, yet again!) until after 5:30 a.m. Then pulled swiftly, instantly, into REM sleep for 20 minutes from 5:30 to 5:50 a.m. Then thrust awake before the morning bells of the convent could do the job. Then thrust back down into REM for maybe almost an hour, from about 6:30 to 7:30 a.m. The sleep cycle is broken, completely broken. I can’t do morning classes at Maryknoll like this. (I did make it to school for the last two hours of classes.)

For maybe 30 or 40 minutes during the helpless hole in my sleep, I knelt in prayer at my bed, then sat on my bed in prayer, trying desperately to channel away anger through meditation. I repeated these questions like a mantra to God: Now what? What do you want now? You have showed me all this beauty. You have also showed me the resurrected wounds of Christ. Okay, Christ is here. Now what? You have showed me so much. Now what? What are you going to do? 

Do not think it vain or conceited of me to say this, readers, but I think God is slacking off. And right now I demand a lot more from God, a lot more. Away with your talk about “the weakness of God.” This is the God of creation and resurrection! God has done so much to me in the past. God has put the Spirit powerfully into me and given me a way forward. This happened two times, on June 11, 2000, at my confirmation, and on June 11, 2004, when I had a mystical experience while visiting Cornell University. God saved my life on Sept. 11, 2001. And I am sure God has saved me from accidents too many to number or remember. So I feel justified in demanding that God appear and do something to me to resolve the strange contradictions between my body, mind, and spirit. 

In the meantime, I am doing what I must to take care of myself. I thank a dear Capuchin brother for reminding me to do things that refresh the soul. Climbing Tunari Peak was one of the highs, literally and figuratively, of my time here. So tomorrow, Saturday, I will climb San Pedro Hill, a much-smaller peak on the eastern edge of the city, on which stands the impressive statue of Cristo de la Concordia, the symbol of the city of Cochabamba. The weather will be good; if I am feeling up to it, I will make the hike. I was meaning to do it during Lent, but going now during Easter will be very meaningful. I plan to make petitions to the risen Christ to do even more than I can imagine to form and change my life. A pilgrimage to resurrection. I look forward to it. 

I will also try to keep things in perspective and emphasize what is positive. After all, I have been here on my own (that is, on my own as a Capuchin) for over 10 weeks, over 70 days. That’s quite a feat of endurance, going that long without the company of my own Capuchin brothers. I have also been rereading the journal I kept during my cultural immersion in Ocotepeque, Honduras, in June and July 2014. This experience is way, way different. It has had so many more delights, so many more smiles and laughs, so many more “achievements,” so many more highs. Whatever cultural shock I have experienced, it’s so much less severe than the total constant daily shocks of rural Honduras. And maybe I have adapted and matured since 2014. Plus I know more Spanish than I give myself credit for here. 

My hope was to wrap up today’s post with a report from my visit to Clínica Belga, where I went for a consultation three weeks ago. Unfortunately, Doctora Ferrel, who met with me last time, was occupied with appointments. I would prefer to see her again and not another clinician because I know I can understand her speech and I know she can understand me. And I won’t have to start over and explain my condition to another doctor. I set an appointment for Monday afternoon. See—progress! I take a little pride in being able to do these kinds of things on my own in another country in another language. 

Now that I feel more awake than at any other time today, I will spend some time in prayer and meditation. God and I need to have a little talk, and more than that.